i can only draw demons / A&G

I swear

I could've drawn

angels on your cheeks—

tracing your freckles

with the tips of my fingers.

you'd laugh

and start to cry.

from the warmth

in our touch, I suppose,

you'd try

to brush my hand away,

but I know you're sensitive

to how our love sparked

a certain way.

it's too late though,

when I realize the things I've done.

now only angels fly away

from the demons on your face.

my hands are cursed;

I swear I didn't know.

A&G

at least i'm consistent / A&G

But at least I'm consistent
In the way that I hurt.
Maybe that's something
You can still look forward to—

A broken heart,
And a kiss to erase the bruises
That I leave when I throw my words
As if they were stones;
The weight of every day
From my shoulders
Falling on yours.

I still can't seem to carry it myself,
But at least I can trust you
To be the one to hold on too.

A&G

18 January 2017

This is my first Journal in a while, and for the purposes of this class, a little late too. It's actually been a while since I last wrote something for creative or personal reasons. The flow that I used to feel whenever I used to write has been somewhat weak as of late. Do I still love writing? Of course I do. But it's the mental blocks that I frequently get that make it difficult to be consistent with, and then my determination for doing what I love begins to dissipate. I know that creative need is still there, though. I often find myself lost in the wonder of something that has caught my attention, and I feel as though I'm beginning to reteach myself to channel those things into the words that I want to express. I have always been my most apparent limitation when it has come to believing that anything I write is good enough or executed the way that I envisioned it. I am, however, trying to realize that maybe I can be capable of my own success. The fact of the matter is that whatever I hope to accomplish with my writing, I need to stop limiting myself and allow myself to become an improved and better writer. The past while has made the want to write and the ability to execute it drastically more difficult, but as I believe, it all falls on to the ability to channel experiences and mental imagery into written forms. The challenge truly lies there, though, and as with many things, it is a gradual process to become something better than what you hope to never become.
- A&G, 5:52

The Three Pillars On How to Ruin Your Health

            At the start of the semester, I was actually intrigued by the idea of having to read Salt, Sugar, Fat by Michael Moss—a book about the trickery that the food industry has used to manipulate us into consuming their products. Not so much because of the fact of it being a book about this topic, but because hardly anyone has exposure to this kind of material and data. I, personally, found it difficult to maintain a steady pace to keep up on the reading of this book. However, this should not overshadow the fact that I was fascinated by the way Moss portrayed his research. And what did stand out to me the most from Moss’ findings was the idea of the bliss point and its role in the ways companies create and market their products to an audience that is fooled by them and their scientists.

            Moss provides a window into the world of sugar, salt, and fat and their role in the manufactured and processed foods that are fed to us every day. We are given the facts of what truly is in our foods and what drives companies to put these things in them. It caught my attention though that Moss found that companies not only strive to make their foods more likeable, but also a necessity in the lives of their consumers. As in the study conducted by Howard Moskowitz, Moss reveals that Moskowitz and Jacquelyn Beckley discovered that we are driven to eat something based on emotional needs and the taste, aroma, appearance, and texture. This study, and like many others in Salt, Sugar, Fats, almost serves as a warning sign, pointing us to the true nature of companies and their realization that we are easily played for their benefit in the competitions they have with each other in order to their boost sales at the cost of our health.

            More often than not, people would attempt to bring down the research that Moss provides in his eye-opening book; however, it should come as a surprise to many that his research is backed with extensive interviews and countless statistics on the marketing, production, and consumption of processed foods. If someone is looking for a way to learn about every aspect of what they are consuming, then Michael Moss’ book is a great read for them as he even attacks the things that we may not want to learn about what we as a society are accepting to put into our bodies. Although I am far from being an expert on how someone should provide healthful care for their body, I do feel as though I walked away from this book with a little more knowledge on the strategy and science that goes into food; however, being one has band most processed foods from his life, I don’t expect this reading to leave me wondering if I am killing my body with exaggerated amounts of sugar, salt, or fat. This well-written book is a great read though for interested and curious readers.Unfortunately though, unlike many books, Salt, Sugar, Fat educates you on the good, the bad, and the ugly side of your food.

Ten Things That Make Life A Little More Worth It.

These are only a few of the things that, in my opinion, make life a little better:

1) The emotions that we feel because it proves to that we are still living and not just breathing.

2) The crunch you get when step on dry leaves because it shows that even the little things do bring us joy.

3) Writing because it gives us a voice to communicate the wordless things that we have living inside of us.

4) Running because sometimes that's really the only thing we can do when there is no other way.

5) How the sun blankets us with warmth, especially on cold days.

6) The infinite amount of love that we can have for the understanding that science creates.

7) The kindness that us as humans can show and express to each other.

8) Those late nights when you’re talking to someone and you feel completely involved in life.

9) A friend that stands by you through anything and has the ability to teach you so much even when they don't realize it.

10) Apples—they are truly amazing.

I’m Not Okay, Don’t You Understand?

            When it comes to family, me, and many others close to me, know that I have never been the fondest of those in our tree. However, it is not so much so because of the other family members themselves, rather, it is because of the way they approach the topic of feelings and deep, emotional thoughts; consequently, due to the lack of communication they had with their parents when they were younger. I have not, in any memorable instance, heard my family talking with or about someone else and having had taken the person’s feelings into consideration; yet, the constant family gossiping could go on for ages once that specific person leaves the room. Even I, and like many others who are reading this blog, have dealt with other family members and the never-ending ramblings about how you seem to be feeling, or what was going through your mind when you did something out of the ordinary. In some instances, I can recall that my family would mock me for liking a girl or for having a girlfriend; however, they never bothered to actually TALK about the things that are being discussed or even ask actual questions with no judgment in their voices.

            Even more painful than having family members judge your personal life and emotions is when your own parents are the ones doing the hurting. Of course, some will say that you may not be expressing or communicating what you are trying to say in the most honest and direct manner. Unfortunately, this is not the case, though, in most instances (as far as I have seen). Most of the time, you’d be shooting blanks—aimlessly hoping that you and your parents will meet at the crossroads and come to some understanding of one another’s feelings. I have personally been unable to have any true breakthroughs or emotional connections with my parents. Even as a child, I was conditioned to either deal with what I was feeling myself or feel embarrassed of how I was feeling. Worst of all, I can recount, was a time during my high school years when I had spiraled down to one of the lowest points of my life and my parents only helped in intensifying the feelings that had already been pushed to beyond the breaking point. It only served as an example, though, of the lack of compassion or understanding that some parents can have towards their children.

            Of course, not all parents are as oblivious to the turmoil that their kids could be going through. I have known of friends who have had their parents go through mountains to give them the care that they so dearly needed to recover. But being as we live in a pessimistic society, those parents are often overshadowed by the ones that alienate sensitivity. If parents, and overall families, would take the time to educate themselves on how to handle emotional issues with their kids there could possibly be a surprising decrease in suicide rates and attempts. Although these types of things tend to be a pile-up of various factors, parents are usually the ones that could help the most—even saving lives—if they understand the true nature of what their kids could be feeling. In the meantime, all we can do is hope for there to one day be an uprising of compassion and understanding because even as the world continues to learn more about human behavior and what drives emotions, we seem to be losing the actual connection that we have with these fundamental human characteristics—with what makes us truly human.

"Ba Humbug!" said someone. "But I wanted something better..." said another.

            Ever since I was a young child, the holiday season, specifically Christmas, was never that grand of an event among my family and me. Of course, that doesn’t mean that we didn’t celebrate the season of gift-giving and gift-receiving; however, we, the younger members of the family, were never taught to expect a large amount of gifts. We made it a habit to enjoy the small number of gifts as they were more meaningful, and every other Christmas held a rather extravagant gift (e.g., some kind of electronic device). Sadly though, there were certain members of my family, such as my cousins, that always seemed to have high expectations on their mother when it came to Christmas. If anything, even something minuscule, came from personal experience, I could blame this first-hand exposure to the materialistic behaviors of my cousins for distorting my view upon the tradition of the holidays.

             Amel Saleh raises many points as to why Christmas might be too materialistic. With the ruining of almost any and all of the meaningful aspects of Christmas, the conditioning of our behaviors to expect any gifts at all could raise some issues with our younger generations that could lead to them maturing with materialism and greed deeply rooted in their minds ideology. Whether it is looking too far in between the lines or not, it can be quite probable, based on the statistics provided by Saleh, that younger generations could suffer from a legion of mental and personality disorders as a result of the greed and materialism that they are taught to embrace and hold on to as tradition.

             Lauren Smith states in her essay that success is measured by what material things we are capable of owning and giving to our families. The problem with this is that it strips away the true meaning of what it means to give and receive. Smith does continue to explain that it is these gifts that show that person that is receiving them that you have been thinking about them and that the giving of these materialistic gifts is done so with “love and selflessness.” If that is remotely true, it is still hard to look past the negative behaviors that many people have when it comes to giving and receiving gifts.

             My family now tends to still get together during Christmas in order to spend time with one another. This, however, has slowly been declining more and more every year, leaving myself and my direct family rather lonesome during the holidays. If anything, some of my other family members will try and find time during the following couple of days to drop off presents to anyone that was either not present or not visited during this “charitable” season. So whether it is truly love and selflessness that fuels the materialistic behaviors that spring up during the holiday months or the selfish expectation of receiving a gift, I tend to lean more towards the latter.