1 May 2017

Interestingly the semester is coming to an end once again, and it isn't until now that I feel like I should be doing these journal entries that were asked of us to do throughout the entirety of the term. I also know that "making up" for what was not done here for the past months cannot be compensated for between now and the last day, but I think it would be nice to share thoughts while it is still possible.

This semester has been somewhat of a rollercoaster. Not necessarily because of school, but because it feels as though so much has been changing. That's not to say that any of these changes are bad, though. It feels as though things are slowly falling into place, the way I feel works for me and those I want in my life. Although it would be great to be able to have everything, like my schooling, go better than I've been allowing it, so many more things are also important to me in making things feel worth the effort to move towards improvement, and that is a challenge I have not felt like I go up against until the past while. All of these feelings have been a gradual build-up from the past two years or so, and it hardly feels like I'm simply diving myself into an illusion, at least I truly hope I am not. Of course I am not in the place that fits the best for me quite yet, that is a point that has yet to present itself in whatever form it might choose. Happiness however, is something that I have an ambition for, a sort of obsession, but that's probably something everyone is after in some way or another.

31 January 2017

Everything has been feeling balanced in my life. Not everything is fixable, and that's me included. Not every aspect and detail of my life can be shifted and shaped into the manner that I would prefer. And in no way can I promise that I know what I am doing to make sure the past doesn't happen again. However, what I can say and prove is that I am willing to try harder and more critically than I have ever been willing to do before. This wasn't something that was decided from one night to the next, or one solitary accomplished action. This was a build of years of practicing control and allowing myself to learn that there is a worse place I can allow myself to go if I surrender. In all honesty, I'm still trying to figure how to even journal. I know it'll be beneficial in getting back into writing, but it's finding the motivation to do something like this that is hard for me to do. Half the time I get lost in what it is I should write and what I shouldn't, considering that this is a public blog that can easily be searched (believe me, I tested that possibility). It's brute honesty that drives me though to be open enough to discuss certain aspects of myself in a way not too revealing to those who read anything public, but specific enough to have personalized substance for me to reference back to. Why should censoring the reality of individual lives be a concern though? Is hiding the natural course of human development in various forms a beneficial part of how we live? I don't believe that feeling things is something that should be drowned out. Yes, it has it's appropriate situations, but it is a reality that is often pushed too far back and dismissed, and that's not okay.

the pillow I gave you / A&G

it's been months now

and i still can't get over the fact

that you'd rather sleep than face reality.

i know you're hurting yourself more

by keeping yourself locked away

in the glass case you call your home,

but all i can do is watch as the details

of your skin and face erode away

like canyons under your eyes and ribs.

if you would only talk to me though,

so that you could start to see

more than oceans so deep

that you'll drown in at night

while you rest your head on the pillow

i gave you when you told me

that you needed a better place

to rest your head.

i thought maybe then you'd be able to sleep

without me to brush my hands

through the strands of hair you grow out

to hide your eyes from mine

when the dreams become more real

than the kisses i give your tears.

maybe it's time you get out of your mind

and realize i am not a bed

for you to rest through the nightmares you've fed.

A&G

i can only draw demons / A&G

I swear

I could've drawn

angels on your cheeks—

tracing your freckles

with the tips of my fingers.

you'd laugh

and start to cry.

from the warmth

in our touch, I suppose,

you'd try

to brush my hand away,

but I know you're sensitive

to how our love sparked

a certain way.

it's too late though,

when I realize the things I've done.

now only angels fly away

from the demons on your face.

my hands are cursed;

I swear I didn't know.

A&G

at least i'm consistent / A&G

But at least I'm consistent
In the way that I hurt.
Maybe that's something
You can still look forward to—

A broken heart,
And a kiss to erase the bruises
That I leave when I throw my words
As if they were stones;
The weight of every day
From my shoulders
Falling on yours.

I still can't seem to carry it myself,
But at least I can trust you
To be the one to hold on too.

A&G

18 January 2017

This is my first Journal in a while, and for the purposes of this class, a little late too. It's actually been a while since I last wrote something for creative or personal reasons. The flow that I used to feel whenever I used to write has been somewhat weak as of late. Do I still love writing? Of course I do. But it's the mental blocks that I frequently get that make it difficult to be consistent with, and then my determination for doing what I love begins to dissipate. I know that creative need is still there, though. I often find myself lost in the wonder of something that has caught my attention, and I feel as though I'm beginning to reteach myself to channel those things into the words that I want to express. I have always been my most apparent limitation when it has come to believing that anything I write is good enough or executed the way that I envisioned it. I am, however, trying to realize that maybe I can be capable of my own success. The fact of the matter is that whatever I hope to accomplish with my writing, I need to stop limiting myself and allow myself to become an improved and better writer. The past while has made the want to write and the ability to execute it drastically more difficult, but as I believe, it all falls on to the ability to channel experiences and mental imagery into written forms. The challenge truly lies there, though, and as with many things, it is a gradual process to become something better than what you hope to never become.
- A&G, 5:52

The Three Pillars On How to Ruin Your Health

            At the start of the semester, I was actually intrigued by the idea of having to read Salt, Sugar, Fat by Michael Moss—a book about the trickery that the food industry has used to manipulate us into consuming their products. Not so much because of the fact of it being a book about this topic, but because hardly anyone has exposure to this kind of material and data. I, personally, found it difficult to maintain a steady pace to keep up on the reading of this book. However, this should not overshadow the fact that I was fascinated by the way Moss portrayed his research. And what did stand out to me the most from Moss’ findings was the idea of the bliss point and its role in the ways companies create and market their products to an audience that is fooled by them and their scientists.

            Moss provides a window into the world of sugar, salt, and fat and their role in the manufactured and processed foods that are fed to us every day. We are given the facts of what truly is in our foods and what drives companies to put these things in them. It caught my attention though that Moss found that companies not only strive to make their foods more likeable, but also a necessity in the lives of their consumers. As in the study conducted by Howard Moskowitz, Moss reveals that Moskowitz and Jacquelyn Beckley discovered that we are driven to eat something based on emotional needs and the taste, aroma, appearance, and texture. This study, and like many others in Salt, Sugar, Fats, almost serves as a warning sign, pointing us to the true nature of companies and their realization that we are easily played for their benefit in the competitions they have with each other in order to their boost sales at the cost of our health.

            More often than not, people would attempt to bring down the research that Moss provides in his eye-opening book; however, it should come as a surprise to many that his research is backed with extensive interviews and countless statistics on the marketing, production, and consumption of processed foods. If someone is looking for a way to learn about every aspect of what they are consuming, then Michael Moss’ book is a great read for them as he even attacks the things that we may not want to learn about what we as a society are accepting to put into our bodies. Although I am far from being an expert on how someone should provide healthful care for their body, I do feel as though I walked away from this book with a little more knowledge on the strategy and science that goes into food; however, being one has band most processed foods from his life, I don’t expect this reading to leave me wondering if I am killing my body with exaggerated amounts of sugar, salt, or fat. This well-written book is a great read though for interested and curious readers.Unfortunately though, unlike many books, Salt, Sugar, Fat educates you on the good, the bad, and the ugly side of your food.