11 May 2017

Today was the last day of our creative writing course and it was honestly a great time going through our discussions and reading literary submissions from all of our classmates. I feel as though the book and being able to go through the pieces of writing in it really did help in getting a better idea of the amount of detail that goes into crafting poetry or short stories. I've been writing poetry for years, so I don't feel as though I had much trouble with that portion of the course; however, as I have never gone through with writing a short story, I definitely struggled when it came time to do that. I do have to admit though, I didn't give it the most honest effort that I could have. I don't think the problem is in lacking ideas for stories, rather it is feeling confident in the execution of the plot that has mitigated completing a story at all for this class. Regardless though, to whether a story was completed or not, The analyzations that we had to do for a select number of short stories in the book, along with touching on the elements, helped in understanding them better and having more appreciation for the art. I also do appreciate what this course has to offer to its students, and would gladly recommend it to any one who is considering enrolling into it.

9 May 2017

The past couple of weeks has been full of concerts, just a small portion of the amount that I've been going to this year so far. It just so happens that one specific concert was two consecutive days in April, and that was a first for me. The two days were for a band called The 1975, and this is a band that I had known about for a very long time, I just had never truly gotten around to giving them an honest listen. However, ever since my girlfriend showed them to me in more depth, I've come to actually love this band. It's curious to love a band like them when compared to the vast amount of bands I listen to specifically in the hardcore and metal genres, but this band just has something about them that makes them special. I was hesitant to want to go to both dates of the concert, which was in Los Angeles. My girlfriend had already bought tickets for both dates so it felt right to take advantage of actually possessing these tickets. To sum up the show is a task in itself, and it simply comes down to one of those "you had to be there" moments because of the sheer scale of the concert and the manner in which their stage production is done. It leaves a fan dumbfounded knowing that people can form a band, be in it for more than a decade before being recognized in some way, and then suddenly selling out arenas in metropolitan cities throughout the United States and the world. What makes it more curious is that a band so popular is hardly known by anyone you ask, but perhaps that's just because many people only hear what gets put on the radio from them and don't bother to actually expand further into their catalog. Regardless though, these two concerts bring me up to having had seen this band three times now, and of course I've seen a few bands more times than that, but those don't compare to the level that The 1975 is at, and it's experiences like these that inspire and spark something in your head to want to bring that inspiration into whatever it is you do best.

1 May 2017

Interestingly the semester is coming to an end once again, and it isn't until now that I feel like I should be doing these journal entries that were asked of us to do throughout the entirety of the term. I also know that "making up" for what was not done here for the past months cannot be compensated for between now and the last day, but I think it would be nice to share thoughts while it is still possible.

This semester has been somewhat of a rollercoaster. Not necessarily because of school, but because it feels as though so much has been changing. That's not to say that any of these changes are bad, though. It feels as though things are slowly falling into place, the way I feel works for me and those I want in my life. Although it would be great to be able to have everything, like my schooling, go better than I've been allowing it, so many more things are also important to me in making things feel worth the effort to move towards improvement, and that is a challenge I have not felt like I go up against until the past while. All of these feelings have been a gradual build-up from the past two years or so, and it hardly feels like I'm simply diving myself into an illusion, at least I truly hope I am not. Of course I am not in the place that fits the best for me quite yet, that is a point that has yet to present itself in whatever form it might choose. Happiness however, is something that I have an ambition for, a sort of obsession, but that's probably something everyone is after in some way or another.

31 January 2017

Everything has been feeling balanced in my life. Not everything is fixable, and that's me included. Not every aspect and detail of my life can be shifted and shaped into the manner that I would prefer. And in no way can I promise that I know what I am doing to make sure the past doesn't happen again. However, what I can say and prove is that I am willing to try harder and more critically than I have ever been willing to do before. This wasn't something that was decided from one night to the next, or one solitary accomplished action. This was a build of years of practicing control and allowing myself to learn that there is a worse place I can allow myself to go if I surrender. In all honesty, I'm still trying to figure how to even journal. I know it'll be beneficial in getting back into writing, but it's finding the motivation to do something like this that is hard for me to do. Half the time I get lost in what it is I should write and what I shouldn't, considering that this is a public blog that can easily be searched (believe me, I tested that possibility). It's brute honesty that drives me though to be open enough to discuss certain aspects of myself in a way not too revealing to those who read anything public, but specific enough to have personalized substance for me to reference back to. Why should censoring the reality of individual lives be a concern though? Is hiding the natural course of human development in various forms a beneficial part of how we live? I don't believe that feeling things is something that should be drowned out. Yes, it has it's appropriate situations, but it is a reality that is often pushed too far back and dismissed, and that's not okay.

the pillow I gave you / A&G

it's been months now

and i still can't get over the fact

that you'd rather sleep than face reality.

i know you're hurting yourself more

by keeping yourself locked away

in the glass case you call your home,

but all i can do is watch as the details

of your skin and face erode away

like canyons under your eyes and ribs.

if you would only talk to me though,

so that you could start to see

more than oceans so deep

that you'll drown in at night

while you rest your head on the pillow

i gave you when you told me

that you needed a better place

to rest your head.

i thought maybe then you'd be able to sleep

without me to brush my hands

through the strands of hair you grow out

to hide your eyes from mine

when the dreams become more real

than the kisses i give your tears.

maybe it's time you get out of your mind

and realize i am not a bed

for you to rest through the nightmares you've fed.

A&G

i can only draw demons / A&G

I swear

I could've drawn

angels on your cheeks—

tracing your freckles

with the tips of my fingers.

you'd laugh

and start to cry.

from the warmth

in our touch, I suppose,

you'd try

to brush my hand away,

but I know you're sensitive

to how our love sparked

a certain way.

it's too late though,

when I realize the things I've done.

now only angels fly away

from the demons on your face.

my hands are cursed;

I swear I didn't know.

A&G

at least i'm consistent / A&G

But at least I'm consistent
In the way that I hurt.
Maybe that's something
You can still look forward to—

A broken heart,
And a kiss to erase the bruises
That I leave when I throw my words
As if they were stones;
The weight of every day
From my shoulders
Falling on yours.

I still can't seem to carry it myself,
But at least I can trust you
To be the one to hold on too.

A&G